Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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