I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
