You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
