Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
