i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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