Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
