i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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