Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Welp...herpes.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
