Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
