Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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