This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
