If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
