I think im going to throw up on grandma
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Everclear isn't food dammit
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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