I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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