john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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