I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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