yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
