Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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