I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
