I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
