i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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