The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
