I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
