Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
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We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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