Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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