I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
