i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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