If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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