Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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