You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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