I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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