When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
