New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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