Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
