I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
