My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
