Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
