I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
