So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
