So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
