He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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