You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
