apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
