The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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