Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my sisters under your porch take her home
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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