at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
