Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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