fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
