I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
