I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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