okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
