I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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