I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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