"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
